Losing a loved one is beyond a doubt one of the hardest things many people have to experience.
These moments are clearly difficult for the ones who are grieving the loss in different ways and for different amounts of time.
What sometimes gets overlooked is how difficult it can also be for the support systems of those grieving. But some friends and family members may not realize that showing their support–either physically or remotely–can make the grieving process that much less difficult.
On a Saturday morning, my sister and I found out about the passing of my ba–the most important person in our lives. We got less than a day with our parents before they flew to India. Then, my sister rescheduled her flight back to Connecticut so that we both could have one more day together on Sunday. And then on Monday, she flew off to Connecticut and I drove off to St. Louis.
And then we were pretty much alone.
We were both in different states pursuing our higher education with most of our support systems being anywhere except in the cities we were in.
And we both grieve in VERY different ways. My sister needed people constantly talking to her–whether it was about my ba or anything else. I, on the other hand, needed my own time and space to cope with the situation on my own terms.
However, what we both craved was love and support.
For my sister, this meant people calling or facetiming with her so she wouldn’t be left alone with her thoughts too much. She needed to be in the physical (or virtual) comfort of others so she wouldn’t have to navigate through this process for the first time on her own.
For me, this meant people checking in–either via text or phone calls. I’m the type of person who cannot talk to anyone else while I’m still grieving–it just makes me cry even more, people get worried about me, I get even more sad, and it becomes a cycle I just try to avoid. But, I still appreciated those messages. Even though I barely talked on the phone, I would always message people back and let them know what I needed.
Another difference between us was that my sister was shocked at the amount of people who completely ignored the situation and didn’t even reach out; whereas I was kind of (unfortunately) used to it.
Death is hard–not just for loved ones to go through, but for others to talk about.
A lot of people don’t know what to do or say when a friend or family member is mourning the loss of a loved one. But the worst thing anyone can do is to ignore the situation without ever bringing it up at all. Having to recover from my ba’s passing taught me and my sister a lot about the importance of just being there for the ones you love–in any capacity that you can be.
Be There in Person
One of my closest friends lost his aunt and some of our family friends I have known my entire life lost their ba just one week before we lost ours. We’re basically family, so those two weeks (and the many many weeks following after that) were some of the most difficult times we have gone through. However, we went through it together, in our own ways.
My friends’ ba lived here with them, and the majority of their family was here as well. So their families were able to watch home videos, go through pictures, laugh about their memories, and receive their ba’s blessings with their beautiful speeches.
Of course they were (and still are) grieving. But what made them stronger was being together. And they brought that energy right into my home the day my ba passed away,
I was not allowed to fly to India to see my ba for the last time, nor was I able to spend time with my family before going back to school.
But the entire day before my parents left for India, those girls I grew up with were right there with me on my bed. And the entire next day, some of the closest people in my life were right there with me on my couch. I’m going to admit, I’m not the best with being surrounded with people right when something like this happens. And my sister stayed in my parents’ room because she needed that time to be alone.
But once I drove back to St Louis, I realized the sheer importance of the presence of my friends and how much I continue to value their impacts on my life.
Send Them a Message
I, on the other hand, struggle with being physically present in the context of mourning somebody’s death. The reason being is I never want to get emotional or cry myself when I know I should be there to support my friend. But (if it’s not somehow very triggering to talk about), when our loved ones are mourning, we need to get over this uncertainty or awkwardness.
Having to deal with a loved one’s death is extremely difficult, and you cannot let your uncomfortability stand in the way of being there to help make that process somewhat easier for a friend.
I always first just send a message because I never know how a person is feeling (in general or at the moment) about death. I know that saying the wrong thing is a big concern people have when texting people who have just lost someone.
But from my experience, regardless of how annoyed someone may get in the moment, they appreciate the message in the longterm. Sending your condolences, showing your love/support, and letting them know that you’re there for them in whatever way they need you to be is something they will appreciate.
Most people will respond if you offer to bring them anything they need or if they need/want you to come see them (like my friends and sister). If they don’t want to see or talk to anybody (usually people like me), they typically will either not respond or just express their gratitude for your message.
Finding the Right Words to Say
Letting someone know you’re there and love them is SO important–but saying the wrong things can come off in ways you never intended. Click this link to see some of the types of things I tend to say or refrain from saying when reaching out to someone who has lost a loved one.
Give them a Call
Again, if you’re like my sister, you like phone calls and video chats. If you’re not in the same town as a friend who is grieving or have some obligation preventing you from visiting–give them a call or start a video chat.
If you’re like my sister, you would wait a day or two rather than bombarding the family with calls right when you’re still trying to process everything that happened.
But some people like receiving calls the day of–so do what you think/know is best for you and your friend!
On the receiving end, if you’re like me, you would probably not pick up, but would feel so blessed while listening to the voicemails of people letting you know that they are here for you (and then text back if you’re unable to talk in the moment).
Check Up on Them
Even if it’s been a few days, weeks, or months–check up on your friends! One of my sister’s best friends who is like an older sister to me drove over right when she found out. For a very long time, she would send texts randomly checking in on us, seeing how we’re doing, and sending us so much love and motivation. Those are the small gestures and that is the type of friend we are always going to cherish.
We kept telling her how lucky we felt to have someone like her in our lives. But she just kept saying how it honestly was no effort on her part because she genuinely cares about the people she loves. And that’s how it should be!
Mourning doesn’t just take a day or even just a month. It’s something most people never completely move past. But with friends who do what friends are expected to do, it can make the process even a teeny bit more bearable.
Don’t Walk Away
Whatever you do, please please please don’t ignore the situation. Losing someone who was the most important person in our lives was hard. But being physically alone in our respective states made it so much harder.
I have come across too many “friends” who are there for the parties, the good times, the successes, and the smiles. But as soon as my bubbliness gets cloaked with deep conversations, suffering, low points, or tears–they are the first to walk away. Although I’ve learned to come to terms with this, it’s always hard having to discover who the fake or unsupportive “friends” are when you need them the most.
As a friend, you sign up for the bad times as much as the good–because I’m sure you expect the same when you’re on the receiving end.
I get that it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s awkward–but talking about death and being there for loved ones is something we all can work on! We’re all guilty of not always completely being there for someone else, but that doesnt mean we can’t help someone heal in the future!
Think back to one of your lowest points in your life when all you really wanted was the love or support of a friend…wouldn’t you want to be that friend for someone else in the future so they don’t have to feel the same way?!
