Don’t have fun. Don’t laugh as much as you want to. Don’t get too attached to people. Don’t enjoy nights out. Don’t live your life the way you want to.
Those are the things I let my mind believe and let my life live by for the past three years. And no one else should have to suffer alone or let those thoughts take over their lives.
Ever since I started sharing this blog, many people have asked a common question along the lines of, “When were you able to tell that something was actually wrong and that you weren’t just sad?” This is something that a lot of people seem to struggle with, and I know I personally wasn’t able to distinguish between the two for a very long time. The simple answer I give is this: if it is affecting or controlling your everyday life and activities, then you should not be ignoring the situation.
There are a lot of misconceptions revolved around depression and sadness. The two terms are used interchangeably because of the association depression has with its most known symptom of pervasive sadness. However, this creates a huge problem because there are major distinctions between the two.
Since so many people are confused about the difference between the two, we’re faced with two major problems: 1) we ignore a serious condition (depression) or 2) we overreact to a normal emotional state (sadness).
I can easily list off the criteria/symptoms that fall within each category. But you can just as easily google all of that information. What really seems to have helped others are personal stories and experiences. If people get a chance to hear what others have specifically been going through, it helps them place an example to the symptoms that are listed. Simply seeing a list of symptoms can go one of many ways: people ignore them, others misunderstand them, and many others find ways to make their lifestyles match up to the symptoms and inaccurately assume they have a mental illness (when in fact they may be going through something else).
Anyone can have decreased interest in activities or be in an irritable mood because they may be having a bad week or may have faced a difficult event. By looking at the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), they may overreact to this change and jump to the conclusion that they’re depressed because they seem to have some of the symptoms of this disorder. On the other hand, someone may attribute their weight loss and insomnia to their stress from school and ignore the possibility of an even larger problem. By not having a comprehensive understanding of this topic, many people just don’t know how to deal with these situations.
*If you haven’t read my previous post called The Trigger, please do so for some background on this story*
The flight to India felt like one of the longest flights I’ve ever taken (on top of how long the flights to India already are). Everyone was obviously heartbroken, but they still made an effort to be in a good mood for one another. As everyone ate and talked together, I held my Winnie the Pooh teddy bear close to me (yes, as an 18 year old) and pretended to sleep most of the way to avoid talking or letting my tears spill out.
Once we got to India, things got even worse. I was told by my oldest cousins that we have to be strong for all of our parents. However, I did not know I could possibly keep things together. Death was a concept that I was never really exposed to. I knew people died all the time, but I never thought about the possibility of it hitting so close to home. I know that sounds very selfish, but at the time that was all that I could think about. I did not now how to react to this situation because it was not really talked about by the people I was surrounded by in my life.
I spent almost every minute of my time in India crying or thinking about crying. I became an infant and did not want to leave my family’s side. I made myself believe that I wanted to always stay at home, that I didn’t want to go to Michigan and that there was no need to ever leave my parents alone. The shock of losing someone so close to me steered me towards being terrified of death for the first time. I didn’t want to lose anyone else ever again–and that prevented me from living the life I used to live. Keeping to myself and not engaging in things that I normally would love became the themes of my month in India.
I usually love going to India, but by the time my cousins all left, I was dreading every moment there. I would spend every moment alone crying, wouldn’t laugh when I wanted to, and was very moody with everyone around me. Most people who know me know that I have had a phobia of dogs (which is a lot better now!!) since I was five. So I always used to be scared of dogs, but I took it to another level there. I would hold my sister’s pinky (again, as an 18 year old) whenever we stepped outside of the house and would throw a tantrum whenever she didn’t let me. When she would get frustrated with me (I wouldn’t blame her for that now–it was getting to point where I was acting ridiculous), I would burst into tears again. Whenever any adults said something that I didn’t like, I gave so much attitude, yelled back and would develop this undesirable anger within me.
All of my actions there just didn’t seem like things I would normally do.
But, I used my mourning for my Dada’s death as a justification for my actions. I regret that so much now (because that is not why I was acting this way), but at the time, there was nothing else I could think about. There were feelings and emotions that were developing within me that I just never expressed with anyone else.
During the religious ceremonies, I told myself that I can’t start eating meat again, that I can’t drink, that I can’t smoke, that I can’t get tattoos, that I can’t go out, that I can’t do anything that would disappoint my Dada. I told myself that I need to become a doctor, that I need to listen to whatever my family wants, that I need to put others before myself, that I need to do whatever would make my Dada happy.
Those “I can’ts” and “I need tos” took over my life like an unstoppable disease. The worst part was that those are not things that my Dada wanted or would ever want. He never said I can’t do anything or that I need to do those other things. They are lists I made up, thinking I knew how to make things better. In the end it just made everything worse.
When I got back to Illinois, I was only home for a few days before I had to move to Ann Arbor for my freshman year of college. This was another big change after the biggest change in my life had recently taken place–and I did not handle it well.
Instead of moving in a few days earlier like the rest of the freshmen, I decided to move my things in on move-in day and then went back with my parents. I wanted to go to Ohio to be with my mom’s side of the family and to be there for the religious event they were keeping for my Dada at the temple.
I’m so glad that I always want to put my family first. But at that time I wish I hadn’t. I missed my first welcome week (and missed the next two as well) and did not get the full freshmen year experience of meeting new people. Once I got there, people already knew each other and had formed amazing memories. And I stuck with the two people I knew coming into college.
I basically began living multiple lives for far too long.
At school, I suddenly started acting shy. I masked my bubbly personality with a timid one because I didn’t know how to act around new people. I wanted to make sure I had as little free time as possible, so I joined too many organizations and committed myself to too many activities. I never reached out to the people back home because I felt like a completely different person and didn’t know how to talk to them anymore. A lot of people have just always assumed that I am such a hard worker, that I have my life all figured out, and that I’m succeeding in everything I have going on–from academics to extracurriculars.
Those high expectations are far from the reality. I try to keep up a good front, but in doing so, I have continuously added more stress and pressure onto myself. Instead of talking it out with people, I have continuously decided that there is no need to worry others and that my needs were not important. The things I was experiencing would not have become so extreme if I stepped back and let others help out.
There are many controversies over the use of DSM criteria, but I’m just going to use it as a guideline for people to understand the symptoms a little better. Even though I have also been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, the following MDD symptoms are what made me understand that something was wrong. One of the DSM criteria is that five or more of the following symptoms are present continuously for at least a two week period:
1. Depressed or irritable mood
The girl who was always so bubbly and optimistic began feeling sad or empty most of the time. My freshmen year of college was definitely not what I was expecting. Until I joined the Raas team, I never even had a “group” of people I turned to. Even then, I felt distant from people and knew that something was wrong. Sometimes I needed to be alone and loved it; other times I couldn’t stand being alone. At the same time, whenever I was out or with people, there were times I loved it and there were other times I absolutely dreaded it. Even being surrounded by groups of people didn’t take away this feeling of emptiness I had within me.
Even though I wanted to love this school and the people I was meeting, I couldn’t get myself to find the positives in things. I went home A LOT, talked to my parents more than anyone else, and waited for the moments I would get to see or talk to my friends from home. Even then, when I would talk to family or close friends, I would find myself getting irritated all the time, frustrated over the smallest of things and would angrily be yelling or arguing with people.
At times, this irritability comes from my frustration at myself. I hate feeling the things that I feel and get upset when others don’t understand. However, since I don’t express the way I feel, nobody can try to understand. Even when people try to understand, I get irritated when it isn’t as visible. The only time I find my irritability justifiable is when I tell people what’s going on and they actively don’t try to understand or help out.
2. Loss or decrease of pleasure in activities
I stopped dancing. I stopped writing. I stopped reading. I stopped hanging out with people. I stopped doing everything I used to love. If you knew me before, you know I usually wouldn’t be able to live without those things. I just lost interest in doing anything that made me happy and I didn’t know why. When I had to quit competitively dancing because of my knees, I just didn’t make the effort to dance on my own like I used to.
I think this is when I truly realized that something was really off. I find it so weird that I was always known as a dancer or writer because that’s all I used to do or talk about before. Now, it’s very rare for people to relate me to those two things because it hasn’t been that common for me to engage in those activities.
3. Significant changes in weight or appetite
Instead of gaining the typical Freshmen Fifteen, I ended up gaining Sophomore Seventeen. When I’m stressed or anxious, I turn to food. People joke about binge eating, but that became a norm in my life. I would eat at random hours of the night and when I did it would be a lot of food all at once. I gained almost twenty pounds sophomore year because my stress and appetite added up over the months. If you know me now, you know that I try to follow this “3 Hour Rule” and eat a lot better. Trust me–that’s one of the hardest things to follow since I’m always turning to food when I don’t know how to react to situations.
4. Insomnia or hypersomnia
It takes me hours to fall asleep at night because my mind is always racing and thinking about every little detail of my life. People always ask why I try to go to sleep so early. Part of the reason is because I’m on aunty-level and need to sleep enough. But another reason is that there are times where I’ll need at least two hours and some episodes of Friends in order to fully fall asleep. I wish every night was like those random times where I can instantly fall asleep like everyone else I know; but unfortunately I’ve tried getting used to it and have adjusted my lifestyle to meet those needs.
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
You know those weird, useless movements I’m always making? There’s a reason why. There’s always this inner restlessness and tension that affects my physical movements. I’m always fidgeting, pacing, playing with my nails, and doing other movements with my hands or legs when I don’t know what else to do in situations. My friends always joke about this weird hand-wringing motion I do when I’m stressed–and I know it’s true which is why I laugh along with them (or act like I’m mad).
On the other end of the spectrum, there have been days where I feel impaired in my thinking or movements. I’ve been engaged in conversations where it’s hard to keep up or I have slow speech–not because I don’t know what’s going on, but because my psychomotor movements have been negatively affected.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
This is one of the biggest symptoms I’ve witnessed over the years. Ever since I stopped dancing, I’ve always felt lazier. However, even when I try to do things, I just feel like I have no energy to do them. Walking to and from classes has physically drained me at times, and I never knew why a five minute walk could do that.
There have been many days where I’m just physically or mentally too exhausted to do anything. If I don’t make plans until the last minute or cancel on plans the last minute, it’s because I never know what my mind wants. I could be perfectly fine in the morning, but would not want to physically make the effort to go out later that day. On other days, I might not be feeling well during the day, but by the night, I’ll mentally need to make the effort to go out.
Regardless of the situation, I’ve just appeared to be more tired all the time. Others have asked if I’m sick or okay because this fatigue is something that has taken over many aspects of my life.
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
Usually I would wake up excited for a new day to begin. But I started feeling the exact opposite way. On top of struggling to fall asleep, I wake up in the middle of the night because of bad dreams or images. When it’s finally the morning, I would struggle to get out of bed. There have been days where I found no reason to start my day. I felt like my life had no purpose and that I was worthless to everyone and everything.
At the same time, I would blame myself for practically every negative thing that occurred in my life. I continued feeling guilty about my Dada’s death and not being as close to him as I should have. Whenever something happened with my friends or family, I would feel responsible. And worst of all, whenever my symptoms angered anyone or I let my depression take importance, I would blame myself and feel terrible.
By not putting myself or my needs ahead of anything else, I kept digging a deeper hole for myself. By not investing time in myself, there was no way that I could let others be there for me either. In the end, I put my optimism in life behind me.
8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
This is one symptom that makes me upset all the time. Being distracted and not having a good attention span have become my life over the years. I cannot focus on school, my work or my decisions as nicely as I would like to.
This became such a big problem in the past that I have skipped classes, assignments, and even an exam. I’ve made up sicknesses, made unnecessary trips to UHS for illnesses I did not have, and have lied to so many people. I did everything I had to–besides addressing the real problem I was dealing with.
I just have had such a hard time trying to concentrate on things and I found it easier to just avoid having to deal with them. Making decisions has also become an even more tiring task. I’ve made some bad decisions over the years and have regretted making those decisions without thinking rationally about them. My academic, career, and life choices have depended on the decisions I’ve made in the past three years and after thinking about those decisions now, I’m reevaluating things all over again.
This cycle of thinking about every little possibility and outcome is due to the fact that I honestly can’t get myself to concentrate about little things without my mind racing to other topics.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
There were moments where I questioned my worth and existence. Looking back on it now, I cannot imagine feeling like that ever again. I am so blessed and inspired to keep living my life to the fullest now. However, at one point I just wanted the pain to end. I did not think that things would ever get better and felt as if I was just a burden on everyone in my life. I was struggling and the suffering never seemed to have a solution. I just wanted to be free and felt like escaping. This was not a major symptom in my case, but random thoughts did come and go.
These are just some of the symptoms I have experienced over the years and I really hope people were able to understand them more easily with these personal examples. I know that I didn’t address what I was going through until I was given more examples on them. Since all of these combined to take over my life and my actions for two years, during sophomore year I knew that this wasn’t just sadness anymore.
I really want to talk about how I finally made the effort to respond to these issues, so please read my next post, Thank You, on my interventions and treatments:)
