For far too long I’ve been a closed book.

A closed book that has a bubbly, happy and successful cover. However, when it comes to my own feelings, problems, and minor details, I wait for someone to take the effort to open my book and learn about what I keep bottled up inside.

For far too long, I was trying to be strong on my own. I always thought one of my biggest strengths was my ability to be independent and tackle everything by myself. However, I learned that I couldn’t do this without others.

For far too long, I’ve been terrified. Terrified of what people would think or say if they found out that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

And for far too long, others have been suffering. I’ve seen so many people struggle with mental health issues and not do anything about it. I’m no mental health professional, but because of my BCN and psychopathology backgrounds, I’m always subconsciously noticing signs and symptoms in people’s lives. However, because of the stigma attached to mental health, many individuals ignore the issue, act like everything is fine, and suffer by themselves. In the worst cases, far too many people have taken their lives as a result of mental illnesses.

This is what motivates me to write and finally share this blog with others. I don’t want to see anyone else suffering on their own when there are people they can talk to and treatments that can help them. The people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had this past year have inspired me to not be afraid anymore. I’ve been encouraged to voice my opinions and share my stories to ultimately raise awareness and help create change in people’s lives one step at a time.

Three of the most important things I’ve learned this summer are:
1) Being comfortable doing things that make you uncomfortable.
2) There are so many individuals who struggle with the same (and different) mental health concerns.
3) Educating others, spreading awareness and talking about problems is the most effective way of changing people’s lives.

As many people know, I’m very open about my mental health. I can talk for days about this topic. However, when it comes to other family members finding out, I’ve always been a little reserved. My parents have known for a while, but I knew that others wouldn’t be as understanding or accepting. I didn’t want anyone questioning my parents or trying to act like they knew what was “actually” wrong (which would be anything besides a psychological concern because “that’s just all in your head”). I’ve also gotten very negative responses and reactions from people in my life and didn’t want to deal with that even more.

However, I’m trying to get over that now. I act like I’m so comfortable talking about this subject, yet I hold back when it comes to talking about it with people who are important in my life. I know that there’s a stigma attached to mental health and it’s very prominent in the South Asian community. Nobody is willing to talk about it because it’s just easier to ignore the topic and avoid additional issues or arguments. I want to be comfortable being that individual who raises awareness about this uncomfortable topic in my community. I know so many South Asians are struggling with mental health, and I want to help them become comfortable accepting and sharing their concerns.

I don’t know how successful it will be for me to convince others to open up about mental health, but I still want to try. I want others to realize that anyone can be affected by mental health. When people find out about me, they’re usually really surprised. For a lot of people, I’m that super bubbly, optimistic, and overly-nice girl who is always trying to be involved in everything related to school, my culture, and leadership. Then they find out that I have depression. They can’t believe that someone as happy as me can be sad all the time or they ask me what happened that caused something like this.

This is an example where one can see many flaws with the knowledge of mental health. For one, depression doesn’t mean an individual is sad all the time. In my case, it involves a lot of feeling empty or feeling nothing at all. Another thing is that people don’t realize having a mental health illness is something you’re born with. Just like many other things you learn about in biology or psychology, it’s a combination of your genes and your environment. My brain was wired a certain way, and different experiences in my life have been triggers for my anxiety and depression.

However, the way a person deals with their mental health really paves the overall path of their experiences.

I, like many others, chose to ignore my problems. For two years, I let myself believe that nothing was wrong and that I can handle everything on my own. Those were two of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life, and I would never want anyone else to go down the same road. I am grateful that my mental health journey has made me stronger, more aware and (hopefully) a better person. At the same time though, there are some things I have experienced that I would not want any one else to have to go through.

I believe that I go to the best university in the world. But I did college wrong.

I used to be a straight A student and never had trouble with learning. But now one of my biggest fears is that I won’t make it into any grad school (let alone my top choices) because my academic life has suffered tremendously.

I used to be the bubbly and friendly girl who talked so easily to anyone she came across. But now my anxiety prevents me from talking to people and my social life has fallen apart.

I used to be so transparent and open to all conversations. But now my life has become a big game of charades.

Since freshmen year of college, I have been a completely different person. My high school and family friends still see me as a weird and bubbly girl. The people I met freshmen and sophomore year of college see me as a shy girl who doesn’t have much of a personality. The people I met junior year see me as someone who is overly nice, has a CEO mentality and is like a mother/older sister to everyone. The people I met over the summer see me as a super innocent, sweet and happy individual who is passionate about so many things in life.

And then there’s my sister and “best friend” (people know I hate using this word, but it’s the only fitting term at the moment) who have seen me transition from every one of these stages. Two people, out of the hundreds of individuals in my life, have seen me go from my highest to lowest points in life. Others have learned about my multiple stages, but Puja and Nishu are the only ones who have witnessed the tears, anxiety attacks, depressive thoughts, mood shifts, appetite changes, sleep patterns, charades I put up, and so much more. Because they were there through the whole process, they helped make the struggle that much easier.

I distanced myself from so many people who could have made this experience less painful for me. Because I didn’t have anyone to talk to or decided to keep to myself, I faced a multitude of self-destructing obstacles (described more in depth in “My Story” post).

I became more reserved throughout this experience. I didn’t go out like normal college students. I never found that one group in college that would become my group of bridesmaids or travel buddies. I turned to alcohol sometimes. I missed deadlines, assignments, and even an exam or two. I couldn’t focus on school and lost my drive. I never got close to professors because I was too scared to ask questions. I let myself believe I was worthless and that I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know if there was a point in getting out of bed every morning.

But when I took a psychopathology class and learned about mental health and the stigmas attached to it, my life turned around once again.

I accepted that something was wrong and sought treatment.

I started talking to others more. I went to therapy and learned about ways to deal with so many different problems in life. I discovered who my real friends are. I found new purposes and perspectives in life. I learned to appreciate life more. I began engaging in conversations involving issues that are actually important. Most importantly, I learned how to love myself.

By learning how to place my needs and happiness as top priorities, I became a happier person. I learned how to love others and care about their lives in a way that I was never able to in the past. Public service and giving back to the community are top goals in my life. Everyone knows I always use this line, but seeing a smile on someone else’s face gives me a complete sense of happiness and satisfaction. I want to be able to serve as a person that others can come to for more information, advice, or just to talk. At the same time, I want people to know that this stuff happens to more people than they think. Sometimes it’s hard for me to explain my tattoo or how I’m feeling because some people just don’t understand. I know thousands of others feel the same way–and they just bottle things up. Bottling things up leads to more stress, anger, and physical harm. As an amateur blogger who you know personally through relationships, school or work I want to show all of you the benefits of feeling comfortable expressing yourselves!

I hope you read my other posts as well (some are currently taken down for editing reasons)! I have some from the past about my tattoo and breaking the stigma on mental health. Since others will (hopefully) be reading this, I plan on spending more time on the actual content and writing for future pieces about my own stories, advice on dealing with symptoms, advice on helping loved ones, and other journeys such as dance, traveling and food!! Please share this blog with anyone you think may benefit from this because my biggest goals are to raise awareness, serve as a support system for others, and keep the conversation of mental health going. Whether you continue reading or not, just know that I’m always here to talk!! 😊😊