“It’s not that hard to be a decent human being.”
What started off as an angry rant ended up becoming the epitome of my thoughts regarding the dilemma of the lack of or insensitivity of conversations. Someone who has become so important in my life unknowingly incorporated this very simple phrase into the lives of every single girl (and Ashwin) on IASA Board.
The saying seems so simple: how hard can it honestly be to be a decent human being? Yet, somehow it is so rare for us to always come across decent human beings. I don’t know why this is always the case, but what I do know is that this type of environment is affecting the lives of billions of individuals around the world.
I know that a common response I’d receive to this is: “Stop always being so sensitive. People need to learn how to handle the truth and how to become stronger.”
And I think that is perfectly fine to believe. However, that is just one opinion. We’re all entitled to our own opinions; and the diversity of our experiences, opinions and beliefs is what makes our world so unique, productive and beautiful!
What I do want to talk about is the necessity of others respecting those opinions that are different from their own. Being open to listening to conflicting views and willing to hear people out without judgement is crucial for the progress and development of our societies. This does not mean feeling obligated to walk over eggshells all the time–it is simply being a decent human being.
Growing up in narrow-minded, insensitive or judgmental environments negatively impacts the mental health of so many individuals. Some have the ability to resist and overcome that negativity. Others, unfortunately, are biologically wired in a way that makes it unmanageable to overcome these things on their own. And they should not feel the need to ignore the negativities or feel broken when they are unable to.
Why can’t everyone else just strive to always be decent human beings?
I’m not trying to tell others what to do. What I am requesting is for all of you to hear me out, as you should with everyone around you. Please don’t try to force your views onto someone else or instill your own values into someone you care about.
Listen to them. Talk about it. Don’t end a conversation: start one.
Some people may not understand that even indirectly, their negativity, pessimism or critiques may be crushing someone on the inside. Being conscious of what you’re doing or saying, rather than always bluntly saying what comes to your mind, can mean so much to a friend. Don’t ever hold your own feelings or opinions in; just be considerate and aware of people who BIOLOGICALLY cannot help but overanalyze every word, gesture, and facial expression. Again, this is not asking you to be unrealistically sensitive–it’s just being a decent friend who can empathize with your loved ones rather than making matters worse.
At the same time, for the people who go through these struggles: it is so important to learn how to not let others control your lives. Every decision you make first and foremost impacts your own life, so find ways to subtract those negativities from your life. I have experimented with many different coping mechanisms to these negativities and have found a combination of two things to work perfectly for me:
1) educate others without getting frustrated and
2) just give the simple answer to avoid the frustration
So basically, getting rid of unnecessary frustrations and doing what is best for me is what pushes me towards being the best version of myself–a better me is able to become a better friend, family member and human being every single day.
Whenever people ask me what I’m doing with my life, I just give the simple answer of: “I’m going to law school.”
And that’s it. If you know me well enough, you know that there’s so much more to my aspirations. Yet, sometimes it’s not worth explaining myself to people who don’t want to understand. Rather than trying to appreciate and support my goals, I’ve come across individuals who pessimistically respond with how unrealistic my expectations are.
And that’s okay for people to believe, but I do not need others telling me what I am and am not capable of doing.
Others have responded with how I’ve had four years to figure out my life, and how I should just follow a straightforward path rather than trying to make things so complicated. These are the people who do not know or understand exactly what I’ve been through in life.
That, therefore, does not give them the right to tell me how I should be figuring out my life. If I have the inspiration and strength to do my part in the world and contribute in my own extraordinary ways, based on what I’ve personally experienced, I don’t need others telling me it’s not possible.
Another concern I have is with individuals trying to become too involved with other people’s lives all the time. For example, my sister has been working for the past two years in order to gain experience and hours before applying to grad school. During the past few years, people have unnecessarily butted into our lives to try and find out when she’s going back to school or what her plans are. Some people have told her to start looking at other options and someone even said she’s wasting too much time in her life.
Hold up–since when does my sister’s life decisions affect anybody besides who she wants it to affect? How does telling her how to live her life benefit you in any way?
It doesn’t.
If you do not know how many hours are required for PA school, do not know her dreams and plans, do not know what my sister is doing every single day to prepare, and most importantly are not willing to listen or learn, then please don’t think your “advice” (that wasn’t asked for) is going to help her.
Even the strongest people in life have emotions, and when others act as obstacles for their dreams, it can become so destructive. But people don’t realize that. That is just how a lot of people in society have been raised to live: wanting to be a part of everyone’s business, judging what is wrong or right, and telling people what they should and should not do.
I fortunately haven’t experienced this in my upbringing. However, I have increasingly come across this mentality during college and from conversations with my friends. I have learned a lot about how different communities, families and religious organizations have an impact on the development of children.
From a very young age, many kids are told what they should do or follow based on one of two explanations: it’s the right thing to do or that’s just how it is done.
I personally strive to follow my own parents’ values and religious beliefs. I am all for the passing down of traditions because I have a soft spot for my Indian culture and heritage. However, the reason I do so is because I get explanations for why certain rituals are performed or why our religion promotes specific ideals.
That is not always the case though. Children grow up blindly following the values that have been instilled in them, which severely stunts their exploration and growth. Telling kids to believe in something, just because you’re telling them to do so, has such negative long term consequences. These children grow up following a narrow-minded approach in life, passing this upbringing on to their own kids, and continuing a cycle that leads to a more backward society.
For them, there is only one way of living and they become terrified of what the consequences would be if they went against it.
I’ve seen people grow up and either:
1) Externalize this fear: lash out, engage in risky or rebellious behavior, and let themselves form a new or dual identity, or
2) Internalize this fear: let the fear take over, put their own desires aside, and let themselves believe and follow what is “right”
And then there’s the group that is in between. This is the group that knows that something is wrong with this system, stands up for what is right, but receives negative responses. This is the group that may also struggle with mental health. On top of struggling with the symptoms of their illnesses, they are challenged by stigmas, prejudices, and misconceptions. They therefore externalize and internalize their fears to a point where they are hurting themselves physically and mentally.
And that is not okay.
For those of you who are struggling, please take the time to help yourselves. It is so important for us to not get so frustrated with how bad certain systems are. Instead of complaining all the time, we need to be confident enough to educate others and make them more aware. At the same time, these individuals need to be open to hearing us out.
In a conversation, listen to others. For religious, cultural or educational dialogues, be open to questions and challenging opinions. In your family, allow space for diverse opinions. Don’t dictate a conversation–facilitate it. All institutions cannot prohibit discussions–they must promote it. Encouraging an open-ended conversation is the only way children can learn the true meaning behind values and lessons in order to make their own educated decisions towards a fulfilling life.
We do not need anymore children growing up thinking there’s only one way of living.
We do not need anymore students feeling the pressure of pursuing what they believe others want them to do.
We do not need anymore individuals struggling with mental health to burden themselves and not talk about what they’re going through because of misconceptions and stigmas.
And we do not need anymore people committing suicide because they believe giving up is the only option they have left.
That is not the only option you have left. So many doors are open for you and it takes a little bit of strength and support to guide you towards opening those doors.
So go ahead and follow your dreams, passions and aspirations. Some of the most successful people in life are the ones who have taken those risks and have tried new things. Many of them have failed multiple times–and falling is inevitable if you want to gain that motivation to pick yourself back up and push yourself past your limits.
Let your loved ones explore life, make mistakes and learn from them. Don’t always take the safe route if your heart and mind both are not in it. Aspire to become comfortable doing what makes you uncomfortable (if that’s what your heart wants)–it will definitely be worth it in the end.
And then be willing to just talk! One of the signs during the recent protests especially caught my eye in regards to this post: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Don’t end important discussions that have the potential to encourage, promote and lead beautiful lives.
My biggest request, especially with the recent climate in our nation, is to just spread love, not hate. Don’t close your minds to the unlimited possibilities of this world and be there for one another–it’s honestly not that hard to be a decent human being🙂
