Moms. Dads. Grandparents. Siblings. Aunts. Uncles. Anyone who is a Guardian.
The family who raised you. The ones who have protected you. The individuals whom you love.
These are the people we may be the most terrified of when it comes to speaking about mental health.
Yet, they are the ones we need to talk to the most.
For me, those two people are my Mom and Dad.
This past weekend was their 28th wedding anniversary, and as they sat on the couch posing with 
the personalized blanket we gifted them, I knew it was time to address their importance in my mental health journey. Most of our friends and family think my parents are the “coolest” and “most chill” parents they know. And I definitely don’t disagree. They have given my sister and I so much freedom in our lives and have become more like best friends than parents over the years. We do everything together and tell them every detail of what’s going on in our lives or minds.
But that doesn’t mean that talking to them about mental health was easy breezy. Just like many others, I was terrified to bring the topic up with them. Like so many of you, there were hundreds of “what ifs” and even more “I don’t knows” that kept racing through my head whenever I thought about talking about what I was going through with them.
My mom and dad (and sister) love me more than anyone else in this world does. They saw me as their bubbly, loud and happy little girl—and I did not want to be the one to crush them into pieces. Because of this fear, I kept everything to myself for so long. I told a few people about what I was going through, but kept holding off on telling my parents.
And I bet you could guess what that did: it made everything exponentially worse.
The first time I brought it up with my parents was when I needed my dad’s insurance card to set up appointments. Since that day—three years ago—I have only talked to them about it more and more. And I don’t regret it one bit.
Talking to my parents about my mental health isn’t always easy—but is anything really that easy?
We have had our bad days, but trumping those moments are the amazing days I’ve had talking about it with them. I am so grateful and proud of myself for reaching out to my parents, because their support has meant everything to me.
There are so many “I don’t knows” that prevent many people from taking that step towards talking to their loved ones. I had those same concerns, but we can’t really turn that “I don’t know” into an “I know” until we actually try it out.
“I don’t know how my parents will react.”
This was definitely the biggest fear I had. Mental health is not something that is talked about—especially in South Asian communities. I myself did not know how to react to it when I discovered what it was that I was actually going through. Since I had never heard my family talking about mental health, there were just a bunch of scenarios that kept replaying in my head. The unknown scared me, and I just kept imagining the worst case scenario. Looking back at it now, I know that concern of mine was valid. No one ever knows what to expect when talking to their parents about sensitive topics. However, I would have never known if I did not take that first step. That constant fear would have just taken over my mind—and over the years it would have just gotten worse, to a point that it probably would have controlled my entire life.
“I don’t know if my parents will be sad, mad or disappointed.”
Part of that fear I had was not knowing the magnitude of an emotional shock my parents would be in once they found out. Would they be mad? Would they be disappointed? Would they cry? Would they have no emotional response? To be honest, there were a spiral of emotions. It’s likely that parents would have varying emotional responses after hearing that their child is suffering or struggling. When I first brought it up with my parents, I quickly asked my dad if I can take a copy of his insurance card back to school because I needed to start getting treatment. I told him that I was struggling and that I may have depression. Through tears, I kept glancing down, too scared to look at his reaction. The one time I looked up, there was genuine concern in his eyes. He gave me a hug and told me to do whatever it was that I needed to do—and then I quickly ran out the door to go watch a movie with my sister. I was too afraid to sit down and have a real conversation, because I knew I would cry too much. The next day, I went back to school and my parents talked to my sister about everything. On her birthday, my sister witnessed my parents crying and talking to her about her younger sister’s mental health struggles. They were in no way mad or disappointed or upset with me. Like any parent would be, they were sad that their daughter had been struggling with her HEALTH for so long and that they did not know.
“I don’t know if my parents will blame themselves.”
It is inevitable that parents will initially blame themselves for any obstacle or problem that comes into their children’s’ lives. Part of the conversation that my sister had with my parents included my dad wondering what he did wrong. He said that he thought he gave us everything and that they raised us with so much love and care. So what did he do wrong? I knew this going into it—my dad is so attached to us, and I knew that he would blame himself for what I was going through. There are even random moments where my parents would say that they have given us so much freedom, have bought us so much, or have loved us so much—so why are we like this? In those moments, my parents didn’t understand that this is something that is out of their control. I do not suffer from depression and anxiety because they raised me wrong. There are certain triggers in my life that may bring episodes, but I was born this way. They can’t change it or fix it—and they know that now. I’m sure my parents still wonder what they could have done differently, but educating them
has made such a big difference. They are learning more about mental health and how disorders arise—and they know that they are not to blame.
“I don’t know if my parents will believe me.”
Again, education is key. Since my parents did not know much about mental health in the beginning, I thought that they wouldn’t believe me when I talked about psychiatric concerns. Obviously at the time they were hoping it wasn’t my health. My mom tried telling me to pray more, stop thinking about so many things, or to not be sad about whatever has happened in the past. From the beginning though, they never once told me that it wasn’t depression or my mental health that I was struggling with. They became a part of my journey and continued to learn with me. From classes I took at school to therapy to my own experiences, we learned about what mental health really is. Even today, sometimes they may not understand me. However, it’s how I respond to those moments that dictates my relationship with my parents. I still get frustrated at times, but instead of closing them off, I try to explain things to them. After talking things out, they become more aware. Mental health is not a topic that many people are educated—or properly educated—on; and it’s up to us to change that. I started with my parents, and I become happier every day knowing that they are learning and trying.
“I don’t know if my parents will be ashamed.”
There is still such a big stigma attached to the concept of mental health. In addition to that, there is the concept of “What will people think” that dictates so many people’s lives in my community. Because of such taboos existing in our families, I convinced myself that my parents would be too ashamed that their daughter is struggling with mental health. As part of the model minority myth, it seems like we’re supposed to be these excelling all-star children that are constantly succeeding in every aspect of life. And at that moment, I felt like I was failing at every aspect. I felt like because of my mental health struggles, I was a disappointment to my family. But I could not be more wrong. My parents know that I work hard and put my all into whatever I set out to do. At the same time, they know that my health is not always something that I can control. I’ve always had so many minor health concerns over the years—my patient file at our family physician’s office has always been the thickest. But, they have never been ashamed of that, and they were not going
to change that sentiment because of a mental health struggle. It is just another aspect of my health history that we were going to add to that thick file of mine. Even though it was a health concern that was new to them, they did not let stigmas dictate how they were going to be there for me as parents.
“I don’t know if my parents will ignore it.”
Going off of the idea that I thought my parents would be ashamed, I thought that they would be so ashamed that they would ignore it or keep quiet about it in public. The go to answer in many communities is to not talk about things that are bad, negative or sad. In the beginning when I started posting my blog publicly, my parents did not know how to react. My dad actually came home from work because he became worried that I was bouncing back from my successful treatment. They were uncomfortable with me sharing so many personal details and thought it was making things worse for me. For a while, I started blocking certain family members or family friends from seeing my posts about mental health. However, once again, over time my parents began learning the importance of sharing things. As I told them about the conversations I had with others and about people reaching out to their own families or seeking treatment themselves, they understood why it was essential to start conversations. They also began realizing how much of a positive impact it had on my own life. My mom and dad are my biggest fans of everything I do—including my blog now. They’re always liking, sharing, and commenting on my posts. Whenever their own friends or family send them messages or read the blog posts, they’re proud of the impact it’s making. Over time, my mom and dad have been living proof of how much raising awareness can change the norm from staying silent to becoming more comfortable about being expressive.
“I don’t know if my parents will love or treat me differently.”
Because I made myself believe that something was wrong with me and that I was different, I thought that in my parents’ eyes, I was a different person. I convinced myself that they wouldn’t love me as much or that they would start treating me like a different child. Sometimes my family is careful about what they say or do around me. Initially, they would even be too scared to tell me about a family member’s poor health or a death. They did not want to do anything to upset me.
However, over time, they have seen that I can handle all of that information, and that those are not the things that cause my depression or anxiety. They do treat me differently—in a good way. They talk to me more about anything and everything. They send me articles or videos about mental health. They listen to me even when I’m yelling or arguing. They know that I’m actually a strong person emotionally. They understand that my health hasn’t made me weaker—but has paved my path in a positive way. And if it’s possible, they love me more and more every day.
Everyone’s experiences with their parents will be very different. However, one thing is always true: we never know what is exactly going through their minds. And we can never truly discover those feelings until we make an effort on our end.
Facing my struggles with depression and anxiety will be a lifetime commitment. However, if I let the fear of my parents stand in my way, I would not have accepted this commitment in the same way I do today. Some of those fears were true—however, we all need to deal with obstacles in order to see some improvement. Mental health is a new subject for so many people, including my parents. However, with time and patience, we’re reaching new levels in our understanding of this topic.
My parents have always been like my best friends, but over the past 3 years, that sentiment has solidified. I never hold back in anything I have to say to them, and that has strengthened our relationship so much.
They are the constant rock I have and always will have in my life. Mental health is a part of my life, and if they were not a part of it, I know I would not be where I am today.
I was born because of my parents. I have been alive because of my parents. And my desire to live is strengthened every day because of my parents.
Try to break that barrier that may exist between you and your parents. If there is a fear that is preventing you from talking to them, try to push past that fear. Try to climb over that personal obstacle that is stopping you from truly trusting them with your heart. I’m not going to lie, there will probably be misunderstandings, arguments, tears—everything you may have feared. But it gets better. With time, education, love and patience, reaching out to your parents and continuously making them more aware can only lead to positive outcomes in the long-term.
And just like they will be there for you, be there for them. Show them that you love them–talk to them, take them out, spend time with them. They gave us our lives and now we are their lives. Give them a hug, kiss them on their cheek, tell them you love them. You’ll never know how much it means to them.
So thank you for being my everything Mummy & Daddy. Thank you for listening, for learning, for trying, for supporting, and for accepting me on this journey. I love you both more than any of these posts can ever describe <3
