LOL. Best time of my lifešš
Once again, 16 has proven to be my lucky number. Law school in itself is quite a journey. But before I can go into the questions Iāve gotten about law school generally or specifically about being an Indian American woman dealing with mental health in law school, I wanted to preface my responses with my own unique journey.
As Law Students, we all act like weāre completely fine. Like there is nothing that can stop us and that weāre always on top of things. Because law school is set up in a way that makes students feel like they have to be “perfect” and “the best.” And thereās nothing wrong with having that drive. Except no human is born to be a robot like that.
Since no one talks about falling behind or their failures, the ones who may be struggling with personal things think they canāt take their time and focus away from law school. But law school is not your life (it is for some people, and thatās great!ā¦but the majority of us have lives outside of law school). Weāre all humans and weāre all going through things. And itās okay to talk about it. People have told me that sometimes just hearing a friend talking about going through things not related to school or that a classmate is not actually on top of things makes the process so much less competitive and helps put things in perspective. So I’m here trying to be that person.
My first 16 weeks with my journey of entering law school were some of the worst weeks of my life. Not because of law school itself, but because of the personal things mixing with my desire to thrive in law school. Despite all of that though, I made it. I am almost done with what is supposed to be the worst year of my life and I could not be more proud. Because I dealt with my own personal things, I just wanted you all to see why my advice and input on the whole law school experience is the way it is.
Itās not for sympathy or me trying to show you how miserable my life was (because it was not at all, okay well it kind of was but I probably have a more ālove lifeā attitude after all of this!). I choose to share because it helps grad students relate, allows friends to take a look behind the scenes of the people who seem to always have it together, and encourages strangers to feel more comfortable with reaching out to talk!
I came into law school for my own unique reasons, I have struggled with my own unique obstacles, and I have my own unique perspective on law schoolājust like every other law student or lawyer does. And here is a glimpse into why:
Week (Negative One?)
My biggest fear about law school was losing someone right before starting because I was not ready to relive my undergraduate experience I had after losing my grandfather.
But of course, the week before I left for St. Louis, I had the one conversation I was dreading and requesting over and over again not to hear right before starting law school.
Struggling with how to deal with my first break-up and how to stop loving someone was not something I was prepared for right before beginning one of the most critical periods of my life. To make things worse, the circumstances of the break-up made me question my religion, my values, and even myself. This is the situation that started my 16 week domino effect (but really more like bricks just being thrown at me from all directions of life).
(Things have gotten better)
Week One
After being a stone-cold-silent-crying statue, worrying and crushing my family, and not taking the time to enjoy my last week with the ones I love, it was time to pack up and move to St. Louisāan unknown city with unknown people. The aspirations I had of starting law school with the fresh start I didnāt get in undergrad were crumbling away. My depression and anxiety had taken over everything my heart truly wanted to do. And at orientation, I did my best to be myself and made the effort to talk to new peopleābut it was beyond exhausting and I became way too drained.
(Things are getting better)
Week Two
As classes started, the dreaded concept of cold-calling was making its entrance into my anxious life. We were put in classes of 30-90ish students and we get locked into the seats we sit in on the first day of class. This way, the professor has a seating chart to know where the student they are about to drill with questions is sittingā¦yes I know, itās as great of a time as it seems! I also came to learn that my professors were the most intense 1L professors. They are some of the most brilliant people Iāve personally metābut they were all SO intimidating, which coming from a health background was so new to me!
(Things have gotten better)
Week Three
Because I always have some health thing going on, I had to go to the Urgent Care for some GI and skin issues. During the appointment, the physician did not officially figure out what was wrong, said I needed to see my specialists, but did mention that I may or may not have two different forms of cancer (which I donāt!). I walked out of the Urgent Care trying to reassure myself that whatever Iām dealing with is treatable, but no matter how acute, nobody wants to hear they may have some type of cancer.
(Things have gotten better)
Week Four
During a visit back home, I made the mistake of visiting my ex. I was still coming to terms with this break-up and being the analytical person I am, I wanted to get all my questions answered. That conversation did not go as I expected at all. But as painful as it was to hear the things I did, it opened my eyes to a side the relationship that I had not been focusing on before. That was the night I realized that I was letting parts of myself deteriorate for someone who had nothing left to give and no emotions to reciprocate. Ā
(Things have gotten better)
Week Five
As I was struggling to understand what happened with the conversation I had the week before, I was also trying to figure out my place in law school. Because of everything that was happening to me personally, I kept making myself believe that I needed to be alone and figure things out on my own. Itās common for people to seclude themselves their 1L year, but I definitely took it to another level. On top of just studying alone (which is totally okay), I didnāt join many extra-curriculars, stayed away from social activities, and couldnāt get myself to reach out to professors. I became so reserved that I could hear the fear in my voice as I talked to people, because it just became something I avoided doing.
(Things have gotten better)
Week Six
As I became more secluded, I kept letting the thoughts in my mind take over. My GI symptoms were getting worse and school was becoming more difficult. I was losing sight of why I was in law school when the content was not what I was really passionate about and when my health was in such a poor state.
I started looking at psychology and health programs, looked into transfer applications, and at one point even hoped that the serious extreme the physician talked about would be true. I was at a point where it felt like dropping out or having to leave for health concerns would take a load off and make some of the pain easier to deal with.
(Things have gotten better)
Week Seven
During all of my personal struggles, my sisterāwho for too long has been forced to be the ārockā of the familyāwas going through her own difficult times. On her trek towards fulfilling her passion of becoming a Physician Assistant, she was unfortunately exposed to conversations and obstacles on a regular basis that no one should have to go through. She is the hardest and most dedicated person I personally know. But I saw a side of her slipping away during this process and it honestly hurt my heart to witness the way she was feeling.
(She got into PA School and is doing so much better!)
Week Eight
One day, in our family group chat, one of my great uncles asked my mom if his wife and my dad reached India safely. My dad was not planning on going to India, nobody told me or my sister that he was going, and he is not the type of person to just go to India spontaneously. So the worst thoughts started floating around in my mind and of course nobody was picking up their phones.
As I was panicking throughout the day at school, my sister finally called me back and let me know that my grandma was in the hospital. At that point, they just said that her hemoglobin had just dropped and that she was fine.
(Things have gotten better)
Week Nine
My mom came to St. Louis to stay with me for a few days because she didnāt want either of us to be alone while my dad was in India. While she was there, she told me that the doctors were still trying to figure out what was exactly happening with my grandma’s health.
(Things are getting better)
Week Ten
I had my first Law School Midterms (which were not graded). They were different, but that was not the biggest worry in my life at the moment. And since they werenāt graded, I went into them with a more relaxed attitude than I usually would have.
(Things have gotten better)
Week Eleven
The doctors in India diagnosed one of the closest people in my life with Non-hodgkins Lymphoma. It was the first time the c word made such a personal impact on my life, and I was unable to understand how to come to terms with it.
(She is getting better!)
Week Twelve
As soon as my grandma was getting more energized, my dad helped her get settled back at home. However, a few days after he flew back to Chicago, he was admitted to the hospital for severe stomach pain. To see the most important man in my lifeāsomeone who keeps his positive attitude above anything elseāin a hospital gown for days without the doctors knowing what was wrong, was something else I was not prepared for.
(He is okay!)
Week Thirteen
The next week, I came home to do a colonoscopy for my own GI issues. Itās a super safe procedure and the worst part is just the prep. However, when I woke up from the anesthesia, I was crying. I kept saying āI donāt know whyā and my dad just kept feeding me pretzels and cranberry juice because he was so confused. The doctor came in, questioned why I was crying, and said the results were normal!
(Things are getting better)
Week Fourteen
I was telling my friend Shravya about everything that had been happening and about how I could not stop crying for some reason after the colonoscopy. Her words definitely pushed me to turn things around. There was all this underlying stress that I wasnāt truly acknowledging and coming to terms with. Despite everything that was happening, I tried to keep a positive attitude since my family was going through so much. And aside from crying on my own time, I wasnāt doing much else when I should have been. So I started writing more, talking to the people that needed to hear things I had to say to them, and began re-aligning my goals.
(Things are getting better)
Week Fifteen
During the week before my birthday, I genuinely felt a little peace within me for the first time in a while. I was spending the past 16 weeks staying positive for myself and others, and making it seem like I was so on top of everything that I wasnāt fully addressing my own needs.
I was tired of everyone telling me things like āeveryone goes through this,ā or āthis what you need to do,ā or āitās just because itās your first break-up.ā What people were telling me to do because I didnāt have the prior experience was not working for me. What people were trying to normalize was my own unique combination of experiences.
Youāll hear things like āeveryone goes through things in [law, med, grad, etc.] school.ā And that is very true. But that does not mean that you have to handle things in the same way or at the same pace that others make it seem like they do.
The key for me was knowing the balance I wanted. I did not have to put my health and personal life in the backseat just because law school is such a competitive environment that affects my future. You need to figure out what is important to you and what you deem to be the essential aspects of your lifestyle.
This is probably the most that has happened to me all at once in my life. And I did things differently this time that have been allowing me to heal and grow in more significant ways.
Iām always going to be that person that doesnāt like bothering other people and likes keeping a bubbly, positive attitude. Itās something that I definitely need to work on, but that I have made progress on. This time, I talked about what I was going through (not with anyone in St. Louisābut with Michigan and Illinois friends), I spent the time I needed to bawl my eyes out, I wrote every little thought in my head onto paper, and I chose what worked best for me.
Everything that happened in those 16 weeks is still affecting me. But things have been turning around in terms of my loved onesā situations. And I am taking the steps I need to keep working on my own self and what I can control.
My anxiety is still here, certain things are still triggering, and adjusting to these changes is still difficult. But each of the situations I mentioned above are one by one, slowly turning around (Read future posts, I promise they’ll be shorter!!). There were just a lot of “firsts” and figuring out how to handle these “common” things for the first time in my twenties was rough. I know I wish I had somewhere to turn to read about these things–without people saying “everyone goes through it–you’ll get over it–you’ll learn from this.” Just hearing that versus experiencing/living/reading/getting an actual understanding about it are different things.
So yes, I am a law student. But no, I am not perfect. I donāt have it all together like I make it seem to the world. Iām so positive and bubbly all the time because Iām growing from my pain and failures. It seems like Iām always on top of things because Iām figuring out what does and does not work for me. Iām always trying to thrive and believe in peaking in all phases of my life because Iām always trying to learn.
2018 may have taken me down to rock bottom (and below that if thatās a thing). Iām still healing and Iām still growing, but 2018 did not destroy me. It just gave me something else to write aboutšš
