Dear Mummies & Papas:
“We’re not supposed to cry in front of our kids.”
Hearing these words come out of your mouths is not surprising–but it is still heartbreaking to hear.
You do everything in your power to protect us–but we don’t want you to lose yourself along the way. We can’t let you forget that you are human first, and a parent second.
You try to shield us from the bad and negativity in the world–but you cannot hide us from the reality of the world. We have to face it, with or without you–and it makes it so much easier to face it together.
You play with your own emotions and showcase what you think is going to be in our best interests to see–when in the end you’re only hurting us and more importantly yourselves.
Everything you do is out of love–love for your kids and their futures. But we need you to first love yourselves and your own futures.
We need you to take care of yourselves–your health, your mind, your heart, and your well-being.
You have conquered struggles we can only imagine, and we have overcome obstacles you may never understand. But what we have in common are our emotions, reactions and support.
If we don’t come together and feel comfortable enough to express how we truly feel, we are always going to be alone, despite being in the same home.
As a family, we’re in this game of life together. And as kids we don’t expect you to navigate the entire way for us. But as humans, we have to use our individual strengths and weaknesses to complement each other.
Because you have learned things we can only applaud and we have learned things you may never encounter. So why not pull all of our resources together, learn from each other, and lift each other up?
You are not expected to put your life in the back seat. You are not obligated to put our needs first. And you are not required to fulfill all of our desires.
Because you have set up such a foundation for our lives that we are ready to take charge, fall down and conquer our own obstacles.
Without you having to do all the grunt work. Without you having to shield us from the pain or difficulties. But simply with having your love and support.
And we need you to start thinking about what’s more important to all of us–you taking care of your health and embracing your own lives.
We hate that because you believe you have to always keep a smile on your faces for your kids, you are unable to express your true emotions regarding something as difficult as the passing of your own parents.
We want you to hug us, cry with us, be angry with us, share memories with us, laugh back on happy times with us, or just sit in silence with us. Whatever you need to do–but with all of us in it together.
We’ve talked about adults in our community always telling us to be happy and having a smile on our face rather than shedding tears or expressing our sadness. But the same (if not more) damage can be done with those same adults telling themselves that.
The same adults who think their kids are being too sensitive or too emotional–when in reality they’re just expressing how they’re truly feeling rather than bottling it up.
The same adults who get disappointed or upset when their kids express their sadness to the world–when it’s a natural human response to feel certain emotions to certain events.
The same adults who believe they have done something wrong if their kids are having a setback or not feeling emotionally well–when it’s usually not something they can control at all.
These sentiments have become ingrained in our communities and are internalized in the way our members live their lives.
We need you to start being comfortable with talking about mental health. If we were to bring up concerns about diabetes or hormones, you’re all ears. But when it comes to mood or behavior, silence fills the air.
The South Asian community is one of the least likely minority groups to seek help when it comes to mental health partly because the topic is still shunned and seen as a taboo.
We know it’s hard to talk about–especially because mental health was (and still is) so stigmatized and it was never talked about while you were growing up.
But that was a problem. A problem that has led to the internal suffering of so many of the people you may know and love. When we don’t accept what is happening, it spreads–leading to more severe mental or physical health conditions.
But it is a problem we can fix together. By talking and expressing how we truly feel to one another. By seeking help when we need it. And by being there for one another through all the highs and the lows. Let’s stop hiding our realities and pretending we’re all always okay. Because no one really ever is. And that’s more than okay!
If you’re happy, laugh out loud. If you’re sad, shed a few tears. If you’re excited, go out and celebrate. If you’re nervous, breathe and do what helps your mind focus. If you’re grossed out, show your disgust. If you’re angry, let it all out. Whatever you’re feeling, don’t bottle it up, talk it out, and spread some love.
That’s what leads to more happiness and smiles in the long run.
Not putting on a show for the world. Everything that life throws at us cannot automatically be met with smiles and laughter. There’s a process for each type of situation; but for some reason, we are trained to default straight to “happiness.”
Younger members of our communities continue to follow in the footsteps laid out in front of them. They hold themselves back from bawling their eyes out or from talking out their problems. Because we’re seen as “model minorities” and don’t want to be a burden on our families or friends. We see everyone else around us “being on top of everything” and feel the need to always do the same.
And that’s what leads some of our community members to get drained: physically, mentally, and socially.
Some of the time, you may not know why you’re feeling a certain way. A lot of the time, doctors don’t give you an answer for the cause behind some health conditions. Most of the time, adults in our communities don’t understand why people are on anti-depressants or question why anyone would ever commit suicide.
Mental health plays a key role in those discussions and why people and their bodies may feel, act, behave, or respond in the ways they do. To combat these stigmas and tackle very pressing issues, we need to be comfortable not just talking about the topic in general, but about our own brains and bodies more specifically.
We know we can’t change the conversation over night. But we want your help in taking these small steps in embracing your entire health–physical and mental. We want you to one day be comfortable talking about your emotions and accepting all realities of life.
So that you can live in a healthier and more fulfilling way–and so our community members never feel like they are alone or need to bottle everything in.
I have always wanted to address this topic, but it hit me more personally when I recently gave my sister and dad special gifts in honor of my ba. I have seen a lot of videos of other families (all non South Asian) giving these memory gifts to their loved ones. Upon receiving the gifts, the recipients are typically overwhelmed with emotions and usually start crying to express their love and gratitude. And it’s such a beautiful thing to witness.
Of course I didn’t want my family to start bawling when I gave them these gifts. They were supposed to bring back happy memories and I wanted it to be a special moment for them.
For most of their lives, both my sister and my dad have held back in expressing their emotions. My mom and I are naturally emotional people who cry at pretty much any sad or happy moment in anyone’s lives, so they’ve always tried to balance it out by playing the role of being the rocks of our family.
However, over the years, they both have been coming out of their shells in terms of their emotions. I always catch my dad tearing up during movies or whenever we say anything sentimental. And my sister, who wouldn’t even cry at a funeral before, can cry instantaneously now by just reading one of my posts.
And I love it. Not because I’m happy to see them being sad or anything, but because it’s so heartwarming to see them embracing their emotions and how they’re truly feeling. Knowing they’re not holding back tears or faking how they’re genuinely feeling for me or for anyone else makes me feel so content.
When I handed them the gifts, my sister couldn’t hold back her tears. On the other hand, I could see the tears welling up in my dad’s eyes. However, he went upstairs and when he came back he was full of smiles once again.
That’s when he said he felt like he could almost cry. I explained how in the videos I had seen other (non-South Asian) men crying when receiving these memory gifts. And I asked him why men/adults in our culture don’t express how they’re truly feeling or cry when they have tears ready to stroll down their faces.
Because “we’re not supposed to cry in front of our kids.”
And that needs to change. We can never ask you to risk your health for us like that. So we will continue to urge you to try and improve an aspect of it that you can control.
Just let it all out. Talk about everything. Express your emotions as they arise. Don’t ignore situations. And witness the potential improvements in terms of diabetes, obesity, GI issues, arthritis, heart disease, cancer, the list goes on.
But most importantly (and most definitely) you will improve your mental health and strengthen the necessary connections within our community. So, as we embark on making these changes together, we hope you’re able to take off the mask and fully live your own life to your well-being’s desires!💕💕
Love,
Your Desi Children
