“But you’re an expert now. You don’t need my help!”
This is part of a conversation that I had about a year ago when I had reached out to someone for some advice on what I was going through at the time. I never really thought about this statement (well relatively, compared to how much I think about every conversation I have) until recently.
And honestly, it’s probably one of the last things somebody who’s struggling wants to hear.
Just because someone has struggled through many battles in the past and was able to overcome those obstacles, this does not mean they are an expert at all of the battles life throws at them.
As someone who has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I have had a couple of depressive episodes throughout my life—and this idea of having to be an expert now is something that I have struggled to understand myself. Because I write these blog posts and have conversations with people regarding their own mental health, I sometimes forget that I am susceptible to having another episode.
Even if I do remember, I sometimes try to act like it’s impossible for me to go down that road again. People come to me for advice. I’m writing blog pieces about how I overcame all of these obstacles. People are looking to me to guide them on how to get through this.
These are the things I tried telling myself whenever I felt my depressive symptoms creeping back into my life. I thought about how I have to be happy and use what I’ve learned from the past to not let the disorder make its way into my life again.
You have to be strong Juhi—don’t break down.
And then hearing things like “You’re an expert now. You don’t need my help!” when I did reach out made me believe in those things I kept telling myself.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Yes, it’s important to be happy. It’s equally as important to use what I’ve learned from my past experiences to ensure that my disorder does not TAKE OVER my life again. And it’s just as important that people are looking to me for advice about their own mental health.
But I am in no way an expert in dealing with my mental health. And no one else in the world is either.
We are all learning every single day of our lives. My past experiences have shaped me into who I am today, and I know for a fact that I will continue to experience new things that will continue to reshape who I will be in the future.
Some of those new experiences will inevitably involve my struggles with my mental health. Depression recurrence or relapse can occur in the lives of individuals who have experienced a depressive episode. I now know that my struggles with mental health are essentially a part of who I am. Although it comes and goes in terms of manifestation of the depressive and anxiety symptoms, it’s always here.
And I tried avoiding that for so long. I kept thinking that I needed to be “strong” and not let my depression or anxiety get to me now.
I thought that being strong meant not crying.
No. Simply smiling and avoiding the situation is not being strong. Being strong is facing what you’re dealing with. It’s crying when you need to. I hate when people associate being strong with not crying (I’m guilty of saying this at times too—and I hate when I catch myself saying those things). If you’re dealing with a situation that warrants mourning or tears—dedicate that time to mourn or allow those tears to shed. The best thing you can do for yourself is allow the rest of your body or life to accept what your mind or heart needs you to do in the moment.
I used to keep thinking that I had an obligation to be happy in front of others.
No. Being strong is taking time to be by yourself and making sense of what it is that you’re dealing with. Being strong is not trying to mask your sadness with happiness. It’s not being fake and trying to laugh or socialize with others. It’s being real and true to yourself and what you need in that moment.
I thought that I needed to keep things together for the sake of the people reading my blog.
No. Being strong is knowing when you need to step away from the rest of the world and focus on yourself. One of my closest friends helped me realize this when she told me that I needed to write for myself when I’m struggling. She helped me understand that I started this blog to help myself so that I can help others. If I’m not helping myself, there is no way that I would be able to help others. So whenever I need to, I take a break from blogging publicly—and write things for myself and my own health. Taking this time to learn about my own needs allows me to come back with more advice for others on how I dealt with a different experience that they may also be experiencing. Having a better grasp on how my own emotions work allows me to have a better emotional connection with others in the future.
I thought that I needed to have all of the answers.
No. What makes you stronger is the knowledge you gain every day of your life. I thought that because I have struggled with various uphill battles, I was done with my major life obstacles for this lifetime. I thought I had my moment of major life lessons and that I would be able to tackle any hurdle that life continued to throw at me. This is far from being the truth. Although some days and some obstacles are better than others, there are still days of uncertainty. Getting through one depressive episode or one panic attack doesn’t automatically make the next one so much easier. No, I’m not an expert. I’m just like everyone else. I go through new life events or circumstances that are unknown to me. Sometimes, I need to cry. Sometimes, I just need a friend to talk to. Sometimes, I just need time to figure it out on my own. I’ve learned that I don’t have all of the answers regarding my mental health.
What’s more important though, is that I’ve learned that it’s okay to not have all of the answers. People talk to me about mental health because I am so open about the various experiences I’ve had in the past. I’m giving my input based on any knowledge I may hold at the moment. But life is full of so many unknown circumstances, and I know that I’ll have additional knowledge about mental health—or alter my existing knowledge—even at this time tomorrow.
It used to scare me whenever I felt those signs and symptoms creeping back into my life. And even today there are days where I wish it could all just go away instead of finding its way back to me. But that’s probably not going to happen.
So I’ve learned to accept it instead of trying to run away from it.
If my depression takes over: I let myself cry when I need to instead of trying to laugh all day.
If my anxiety takes over: I let myself be scared instead of acting like I have no fears.
I take the time to be by myself and determine what it is that my body needs.
I deal with my emotional needs before going out and living the rest of life.
If you’re struggling with anything related to your mental health, this may not be something you needed me to tell you, but for others (including myself), it may actually be the thing you needed to hear.
Just because you’ve overcome struggles in the past, no one is (should be) expecting you to know exactly what to do the next time around.
Don’t act like you’ve got a hold on things, mask how you really feel or avoid the situation.
Cry. Stay in your room. Journal. Find an outlet to express yourself. Mourn.
Do what it is that you need to do.
And then go out and continue making a difference in people’s lives.
Most importantly, don’t let anyone let you think otherwise.
You need to talk to others—whether it’s before, during, or after your time alone. Vent and let all of those emotions out. And get the advice and support you deserve from your support system. Just because you give that advice to others, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it yourself.
If you feel like you don’t have that support, reach out to me—I promise you’ll find someone who cares and will listen.
You can’t do this alone because you’re not an expert in mental health—no one is. Even mental health professionals get debriefed and learn about new breakthroughs in psychology or science on a daily basis.
We’re learning about ourselves and how our mind works every single day of our lives. So rather than being an expert, continuously learn how to adapt to your present situation. And ask for help, because we all deserve love & support from others.
Always be true to yourself and what you need in the moment.
