Before the storm, all was calm.
The trees were swaying, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining.
Not a day went by where I was not bubbly.
And not a day went by where I did not feel loved.
These were the days I showed you I was always happy.
And in return, you continued to be by my side.
Forever, I thought.
You were my best friend and I was sure it would last forever.
Then the storm made its way into our lives.
This same storm keeps finding its way back to me.
It is a storm that continues to change my life.
But this time, it affected us.
The first time I realized it was when I started sinking.
At first, we were always together sailing smoothly on a boat.
Then the waves started rocking us back and forth.
The storm gained control of me and took me in.
I fell off the boat and did not know what to do.
The waves were getting bigger and I kept struggling.
I was wailing with pain and my arms kept flailing helplessly.
All I wanted to do was get to you and your comfort.
But you kept sailing away.
My head was barely staying above the water.
My legs and arms were giving up on me.
I tried calling out to you in any way I could.
But you kept sailing away.
I was drowning and kept losing control.
I started losing sight of the light and wanted it all to end.
Because by then, I was all alone in the middle of the ocean.
This happened one too many times
With so many friendships I have had.
I was supposed to be the happy and bubbly friend.
And having conflicts did not seem to be okay.
When I was happy, I was encouraged.
When I was sad, I was ignored.
When I was bubbly, I was loved.
When I was empty, I was alone.
It was new to us that I could cry.
It was unknown to us that I could get frustrated.
It was unexpected to us that I could be pessimistic.
It was hard for both of us to accept this reality.
Because for once, I started staying in by myself.
Because for once, I began sharing my emotions.
Because for once, I stopped only listening and tried talking myself.
Because for once, I tried putting myself first.
And I’m guessing that was not okay.
I felt like I always put in more effort, but that was not okay for me.
I felt like I did not express myself, but that was not okay for me.
I felt like it was okay to be myself in front of my best friend.
But I guess that was not okay for you.
I told myself that this has happened too many times.
And that it was probably meant to be.
I always called everyone in my life a best friend.
But maybe it was time to stop doing that.
Because I did not want to be disappointed again
I decided not to hold expectations anymore.
I was not going to let others upset me again
So I chose to not get close to anyone anymore.
Because I thought everyone would always be the same.
I started letting a few obstacles dictate the rest of my life.
Those letdowns started preventing me from being able to face conflict.
I essentially began letting my past control my present.
So I kept struggling by myself in the middle of the ocean.
I failed to take a moment to look around me
At all the life support I have had for years
Along with the new saviors that were entering the picture.
I kept focusing on the darkness
And how the storm was making me drown.
When instead I could have controlled the storm
By reaching out to the blessings I had been given.
I’m trying to take their hands.
I’m trying to give them big hugs.
I’m trying to talk to them for hours.
And I’m loving them unconditionally.
At a point I stopped saying the word best friend.
I thought the word held too many expectations
And that I would only be faced with disappointment.
So there was no point in letting myself down.
But I now know that they exist.
They are the ones who have entered as angels.
They are the ones who define what true friends are.
They are the ones who are never planning on leaving my side.
When I began realizing that, the sun began peeking out.
The storm started clearing up one cloud at a time.
I stopped struggling in the large waves
And instead gazed around at all the sailing boats around me.
The sailing boats that are full of people who love me.
Love me whether I am bubbly or empty.
Love me when I’m spreading joy or crying while curled up in a ball.
Love me simply for who I am.
And I will proudly call them best friends.
I am sorry for not saying it for the past few years.
But you all have truly made such a difference in my life.
Because of you, I have the strength to keep going.
There is nothing wrong with having too many best friends.
It just means you are blessed with so much love.
And although I don’t go around calling everyone one,
I am grateful for having so many rocks in my life.
I’m still learning and I’m still trying
To not let my past determine my future.
I’m still trying to understand and figure out
How to not let my health control me.
So thank you for being patient.
Thank you for learning with me.
Thank you for not leaving my side.
And thank you for being you.
No one is perfect.
But I promise I will continuously try to become better.
A better person and a better friend
Because you deserve that.
All of you.
To the ones who are no longer in my life, thank you for the memories and the lessons.
To the ones who are always in my life, thank you for teaching me the meaning of love.
To everyone: I hope I can spread the love and joy in your lives that each one of you deserves. I hope I can be that rock and support in your lives that you need. I hope that I can make you smile and feel special. I hope you never feel alone and know that I am here and listening <3
