A lot of people express their concerns and frustrations when it comes to their friends and families not understanding them. People continuously struggle with wanting to let others know what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling. But they don’t know how to.
Whether your friend struggles to explain things because of their anxiety or not–talk to them to see if something is wrong.
Whether your friend’s depression demotivates them from achieving their potential and aspirations or not–be their biggest fan.
Whether your friends are diagnosed with a mental illness or are living healthy lives, support them every step of the way.
Let them know you care. And be their friend.
Here’s a glimpse of something that may be on your friends’ minds–something that is so relevant to what others have told me they wish others knew about their own minds and lives.
And the best way I can express it is by writing it all out.
And the best thing you can do is stop blaming yourself.
Stop apologizing, because it is not your fault.
Stop apologizing, because you’re focusing on you.
Stop apologizing, because it will only make you stronger <3
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For the past four years, you have apologized.
Year One: You apologized for not being or doing enough.
You blamed yourself for a loved one’s death because you did not pray enough.
You hated yourself for not being as close to him as you should have been.
You dreaded leaving your family to go off to college in a new state.
And you let those feelings of guilt control your life.
Year Two: You apologized for letting your depression exist.
You stopped studying and missed your assignments.
You faked injuries and illnesses to cover your true story.
You lost your motivation and drive to make yourself be the best you can be.
And you let others believe you were fine.
Year Three: You apologized for externalizing your behaviors.
You stopped working for money and took on unpaid roles for organizations.
You added a major that you convinced yourself was a better path.
You turned to going out and drinking more than you actually wanted to.
And you let yourself believe you were fine.
Year Four: You feel inclined to apologize for finally focusing on you.
Your responsibilities with organizations came to an end.
Your favorite person to go out with is no longer on this campus.
You will be graduating soon.
And you finally were able to step back and realize you were not fine.
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Sophomore year was a drastic turning point in my life.
I finally accepted that I had a lifelong condition that I avoided for so many years.
I finally sought the treatment I needed.
I finally educated myself and others about a topic as important as mental health.
And I finally reached out to my friends and family who became my biggest support systems.
But unfortunately, I still did not know what the best ways to cope were.
I put all my time and energy into my two organizations.
It became so much easier to care about large groups of people.
And it became so much easier to not give myself the time I needed.
I decided to follow a different career path.
And I continued to put myself last.
I do not regret the past four years at all.
The memories and friendships I have made have shaped me into who I am.
And I am so blessed for all of the experiences I have come across.
They all have come together in making me become so much stronger and allowing me to strive to become a better person in the world.
Yes, there are major obstacles that prevented me from living my expectations of college.
Yes, there are days I wish I did not go through what I did.
Yes, there are times I wish I could have lived a healthier life.
Yes, there are moments where I regret the setbacks that have put me in a different position in life.
But I don’t let those thoughts linger for more than a minute.
I am learning from what has happened.
I am learning how to cope with my health.
I am learning to understand, accept and believe in my potentials.
And that is why I am never around anymore.
This is why I cannot come to all the events I used to attend.
This is why I cannot come out every day like I did last year.
This is why I want to go to sleep at 11 pm every night.
This is why I want to wake up at 7 am every morning.
This is why I want to meditate or work out before starting my day.
This is why I need to eat a small meal every three hours.
And this is why I am studying all day, every single day.
Because I have to.
And because I want to.
I am not living the same life as the rest of the seniors here.
I lived my senior year last year with one of my best friends, and I loved it!
And I’m completely fine with that. But are you?
Now, I need to do what my health did not let me do for the past three years.
And I need everyone to let me be able to do those things.
For my entire life, I have tried to give all of you my time and love.
For the next few months especially, I’m just asking for the same in return.
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Despite how open I am and how much I am willing to talk about anything for hours, I still hold back. No matter how often I say I don’t care anymore, I still don’t want others to worry or be upset. That’s just who I am. But I still want to explain some things, and writing is so much easier for me to express it. For all the times I have avoided answering questions and all the times I have gotten frustrated, here is why:
On average, it takes me about 1-2 hours (plus Friends being on Netflix in the background) to fall asleep every night because of my anxiety.
That is why I sleep so early.
If I do not get enough sleep, my mind starts developing racing thoughts, or no thoughts at all during the entire day.
That is why I sleep for at least 7 hours a night.
If I do not workout or meditate, my mind does not want my body to do anything for the rest of the day.
That is why I wake up by 7 am every day.
Sophomore year, I gained about 15 pounds and junior year, I lost about 15 pounds–because of my depression.
That is why I follow this strict 3 hour plan.
Writing, dancing, and meditating have become major outlets for me.
That is why I choose to be alone sometimes–it helps me find a different kind of peace.
Trust me, I laugh about and joke about my habits all the time.
And I don’t mind when others do.
But when I am questioned, or when people want me to change, or “live a little”
All I want to say is that “This is how I’m living.”
I’m not taking medications or seeing a therapist right now.
But I am doing all of those things and living a healthier life.
And that is why I cannot stop.
Your bubbly, happy Juju is able to keep that positivity around all of you because of that.
Whatever I choose to do is a result of me wanting to eliminate any of those times I’m faking my bubbliness or happiness or positivity.
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Junior year, I decided to direct any motivation, energy, time, and love I had to others. Everyone at this campus and in my organizations mean more to me than you all will ever know.
But I let that passion become an avenue for me to direct my mind away from my own health and self.
When my health was at a low point, I let myself forget about it by surrounding myself with work.
When my anxiety was preventing me from wanting to go outside, I would force myself to go to my events and speak to groups of people.
When my depression wanted me to be curled up on my bed, I wiped away my tears and led discussions that took so much out of me.
When my frustration levels with people were high, I would just bottle it up and do all the work on my own.
When my empty thoughts took over my actions, I pushed through if someone needed me or my help.
And I lost myself during that process.
I gave up on my own potential and drive as an individual.
I lost focus on my individual dreams.
And I let myself succeed only for the benefit of others.
——————————————————————————————————————–But the summer before senior year opened my eyes to the reality of this world
Senior year, I started thinking more rationally.
And this past semester allowed me to cope with my health and focus on myself in better ways.
I realized what I told all of you and myself is not what I want to do with my life.
I just gave up on myself and tried finding an easy way out.
But that never was, and never will be who I am.
So yes, I am always studying and doing work.
I am taking science classes that some of you took your freshmen, sophomore, and junior years of college.
I am studying for and will be taking professional admissions test that many people prepare for during the summer.
I am going to be applying for schools.
I am taking more than 21 credits.
I am just trying to graduate with my two majors.
What people have been fortunate enough to do over a course of four years, I am trying to accomplish in one semester.
I am not saying that what I’m going through is harder or that I want your sympathy.
All I want to say is that everyone should understand, because you have gone through this as well and know how hard it can be.
“Well that’s your own fault–you shouldn’t take that much on at once.”
“Take another year off–what’s one more year.”
“Why are you trying to waste your life with more school?”
No. It is not my fault that my health happened to control my life.
You would not blame me for letting diabetes affect my life, so you cannot blame me for letting this dictate my life.
I have personal reasons for wanting to only take a year off.
I am already taking a gap year, and everyone is different.
Because of other health concerns, I want to be out of school and start a family by a certain age.
And I’m not rushing–all of that will take many years and I don’t want one more year to stop me from getting there.
I know what I am capable of and I have refocused my goals in life.
I know how I want to make a difference in others’ lives and to do that, I need to accomplish what I’ve set out to do for this next year.At the same time, I am just trying to focus on my health and enjoy my last month here with the people I love.
But I cannot always do that.
People don’t understand when I can’t come out or hang out anymore.
They get frustrated when I’d rather spend time sleeping than going to Skeeps.
They get mad when I don’t show up to gatherings or events.
And they keep asking why I’m not acting like a senior.
Handling the courses and workload I have is manageable.
What’s making it difficult is having to explain or justify myself.
If people get so mad or upset, don’t you think that’s how I feel, but even worse?!
Trust me, I would much rather be at Ricks than studying for Orgo on a Friday night.
But I know I have to, and I am motivated to do so.
It’s already hard for me; don’t make it harder by making me feel bad or apologize.
And I just need my friends to support me.
I do not have the GPA that others are satisfied with.
I do not have my prerequisites done.
I do not have the experience that the rest of you have.
I am trying to prove to myself that I can achieve what my health inhibited before.
And not having people back me up makes me feel more alone in the process.
My friends and family continue to be my biggest forms of treatment and support.
If I’ve decided to do something, please help me achieve it.
For once, I’m admitting that I care too much about others.
And for once, I’m asking for a little bit of that care in return.
For the past four years, I have apologized for letting my health come in the way of your lives and our relationships.
But from here on out, I will not.
I am picking and choosing what I can do with my time.
But I will never pick and choose which friends matter the most to me.
I only want to help make this a better world to live in
Because you all mean the world to me.
And I hope you know me well enough to know that.
But for once I’m asking you to support me.
Don’t force me to go out if I don’t want to.
Encourage me to study when I should.
And let me go out and have fun when I want to.
Let me stay in my room if I need to.
Just talk to me when something is wrong.
Let me know you care and that I’m not alone.
And just be my friend.
Because for once I’m focusing on me.
For once I’m molding my own future.
For once I’m coming out stronger than I was going in.
And for that I will not apologize.
