As many people know, I recently got a tattoo with my roommate for her 21st birthday. It was a spontaneous decision–she had always wanted to get one when she turned 21, and instead of just going with her like I had planned, I decided to get one too! I was someone who never thought about getting tattoos, but I’m so glad I did. I knew that I wanted to get a tattoo of something that was meaningful to me. What I didn’t know was how difficult it was going to be to explain to others.
Ever since I decided what design to get on my wrist, many people began questioning my decision. Also, after getting the tattoo, several others were shocked and asked me if I would regret this years from now. After a while, I just got sick of all of the questions. That’s why I decided to write this post and finally share my blog with other people. I’m a lot more open about my mental health now, but I’ve always been very reluctant to share this blog because of people’s reactions–especially family members’ reactions. However, I realized it’s easier for everyone to just read this and get an initial glimpse of my thoughts rather than having to go through awkward conversations in person about the meaning behind my tattoo.
If this is the only post you’re going to read, then it’s important to know the background of my story. I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for three years now. I’m a lot better now than I used to be, but these disorders will always be a part of my life. I knew I wanted to find a tattoo design that would help me with my struggle and remind me of my strength. While on Pintrest one day, I got my inspiration from another girl who has been going through a similar journey. As soon as I saw this design, I fell in love with it and knew this was the first tattoo I wanted to get.
The design has the word “warrior” with an arrow underneath, but a semicolon is used in place of the “i” in the word warrior. The semicolon is a universal symbol that many people have been using to relate to mental health. There are many connotations to it, but I believe the most common one is related to keeping the conversation of mental health going. I always like using this comparison because it is very accurate and gives people a better perspective on this issue: when you are sick with the flu, many of your friends advise you to go to the doctor, tell you to rest, and keep checking up on you. However, if you have a mental disorder or illness, many friends may be afraid, won’t know what to do/say, and may just avoid talking about the problem. I don’t know why this is still the case in our world today. I understand that it is a difficult topic to discuss just because so little is known about it. However, it’s time for more people to take initiative on educating others about mental health. Instead of shunning or avoiding this topic, we need to keep the conversation going. Aish (my roommate) got a simple semicolon tattoo on the side of her wrist for this very reason. It looks super cute and is also meaningful to both of us, which makes it so special!
I chose to use the semicolon in place of the “i” because there were times when I could have given up, stopped trying or ended things. There were days I never wanted to get out of bed. Some mornings I had no energy to do anything or to go anywhere. My motivation to get up was so low because I felt as if there was no reason for me to start my day. However, I got through it. Instead of giving up, I kept going and pushed myself through those obstacles. The semicolon is my constant reminder to keep going because at one point even if I wanted it all to end, I chose to move forward.
The word warrior is also a constant reminder that my depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. However, I’ve gotten through difficult times before and I want to constantly be reminded of that during any future low points. It may sound silly, but glancing down at this phrase reinforces my belief in myself as a fighter. I know I’ll be able to gain a little more courage during future struggles because I’ll be able to reflect back on similar hurdles I was able to jump over in the past.
The arrow below the phrase warrior is yet another symbol to push me to move forward. No matter how much I struggle or feel like there’s no chance of improvement, I never want to stop. The arrow is a symbol for the endless possibilities and happiness I can have in my life. It’s just up to me to follow that arrow–to follow my heart without being held back by any constraints.
For far too long, I’ve let too many things –people, fears, setbacks, anxiety, depression, myself–get in the way of me moving forward. I used to be the kind of girl who thought I’d be able to do anything. Nothing got in the way of me and my dreams because I never had any setbacks. Until 2013, I do not believe that I had faced any major tragedies or hardships in life that negatively impacted my life this much. I hate that I have been going through this for the past three years, but at the same time, I am really grateful for the lessons it has taught me and the person it has been shaping me into. In the past, there was nothing in my life that had the ability to stop me. Now I can actually say that nothing can stop me because I have finally fallen (multiple times now) but have learned how to get back up.
Even though I have my rocky moments, this tattoo is an internal motivator that pushes me forward.
I am not ashamed of it and hate having to feel weird about explaining it to others. It is, and will always be, a part of me now–just as my depression and anxiety are. Everyone has their own opinions about tattoos and mental health, and they are entitled to those opinions. However, I’m done letting those opinions slide when they’re judgmental attitudes towards me and my life. Many people always complain about me being too nice sometimes–and to be honest, that’s one of the things I love about myself. However, at times, I tend to hold back what I have to say if I think it will offend or hurt someone else. In doing so, I keep my feelings to myself, and let things bottle in. In the end, I’ve just hurt myself while doing this.
So, I’m going to continue being my nice and friendly self, but I’m done keeping my opinions/thoughts to myself when it comes to defending myself, my values, or something I love. Too many people have expressed negative opinions or have made fun of my tattoo design because they don’t know the significance behind it. I never said anything because I didn’t want family members to learn about my mental health. However, I’m done hiding things because that just makes everything worse for me. I love talking about my story (or pretty much anything) because it takes a burden off of my shoulders, educates others, and allows others to open up as well. By opening up about this, I have been able to talk to/assist others with their own struggles. There’s no greater feeling for me than to be there for others and make a difference in their lives.
By writing this post, I know I’ll get two responses: 1)those who will talk about it with others and avoid talking about it with me, and 2) those who will want to learn more. Because I know not everyone will want to talk about something this sensitive, I want this post to be an explanation for people I will not be able to explain things to.
For those of you who question whether or not I’ll regret this tattoo…no I will not. As long as I’m still LIVING happily and doing what I love, I will not regret anything. If this tattoo can get me out of bed on days I don’t want to, or push me to pursue a passion, or motivate me to be a better person, then I see no reason for me to regret this. No employer I would want to work for would deny me a job because the field I plan on working in will not see this tattoo as a bad representation of my character. It’s something I am proud of and not something I want to hide.
As my cousin Aarti told me, “If [my] parents are fine with it, it’s no one else’s concern. You do you.” If my parents don’t care that I have tattoos and are supportive of my mental health concerns, I don’t see why you or your parents should be so judgmental. You live your life, and I’ll live mine ✌
